Screwed

Moien from Luxembourg! It’s back to the salt mines and disappointingly grey and wet weather, which means the battle against mildew at Clos Bousgeot continues.

For the uninitiated, Clos Bousgeot is the endearing name I’ve bestowed upon the small, unwalled, and formerly-nameless vineyard I help out with. It’s a portmanteau of “Bous”, the town nearby, and “Clos Vougeot”, the grand cru vineyard in Burgundy.

Clos Bousgeot has 7 owners who bought it off of a Facebook listing as a joke. Clos Vougeot has 80, but it’s also a lot bigger. I think the similarities end there. For now.

Hey! Dreams are free, so dream big.

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Now, on with the show

Despite the rise of different bottle closures (think: screw cap, canned and boxed wine), corks still very much remain in use. There are different reasons to use each type of closure but today let’s focus on the different types of wine openers you’re most likely to come across and how to pick the right one for you, your budget and the wines that you drink.

Handle Corkscrew

You will need to brute force pull the cork out of the bottle since there is no lever to help you. If you’re nostalgic for the past and have the arm strength, this opener is for you.

Good for: Young wines, Popeye.

Cost: $20 ±. You can find plenty on Etsy.

Electric

Electric wine openers are easy to use but unless you’re arthritic or otherwise have trouble opening things, don’t embarrass yourself. You should probably stop shopping at the Sharper Image anyway and learn how to open a bottle of wine properly.

Good for: Young wines, people with arthritis.

Cost: $30 (Cuisinart shown above) to way too much 

Butterfly

You probably have this in your drawer not because of anything you did or didn’t do, but because it’s the most widely-available opener. Butterfly openers are cheap and unreliable, and always seem to tear natural cork to pieces.

Good for: Nothing

Cost: Can you put a price on dignity?

Rabbit

OK so Rabbit is actually a brand, but you get the idea. These are very easy to use and for true debutants. They’re kind of expensive though and take up a lot of space.

Good for: Young wines, noodle-armed noobs with storage space.

Cost: $55 (Rabbit pictured) to $100+

Waiter’s Friend

The best all-around wine opener. If you have to pick only one, this is it. It requires some practice getting the worm (the screw) in straight but once you master it (which won't take long) you will not want to use anything else. They’re light and portable and super fast.

Good for: Young wines, the non-arthritic.

Cost: Free (these are often given away as swag) to $150+ (Laguiole)

Pro-tip: Get one with a double hinge—it’s faster, easier to use, and requires less yanking. I don’t care if it’s a beautiful Laguiole, a single hinge is not as useful.

Ah-So

No, it’s not from Asia. Ah-So is anglicized from the German “Ach so!” (“Now I understand!”). Germans. The Ah-So wine opener takes a little bit of figuring out in order to use, so be sure to ask YouTube how.

Good for: Old wines, delicate corks.

Cost: $23 (Monopol shown)

Durand

The Durand is for your most precious wines. This is the opener to turn to when it comes to making sure you don't leave any cork boogers in your vintage wine. You will also want to ask YouTube how to use it. Between this and the Ah-So, I would pick the Durand for its comprehensiveness.

Good for: Old wines with sensitive, potentially dry corks.

Cost: $135 (Durand shown)

Port Tongs

Port tongs work by literally heating the glass below the cork to avoid touching it altogether. This is useful for super old wines (such as… Port) where it’s practically guaranteed that the cork will disintegrate if you touch it. You’ll see this used in fancy restaurants or by Chad showing off on his Two-buck Chuck.

Good for: Old wines with high-risk of cork breakage.

Cost: A meal at a Michelin restaurant, or about $150+ if you want to DIY.

The Takeaway

Unless you’re buying old wines, you only need a waiter’s friend (or electric opener, if you have arthritis). If you have any old wines, get a Durand. If you have anything really precious, Port tongs might be called for. The rest, you can ignore!

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